Shut up bitch!

While swilling overly priced pints of ekky-dry at the Limerick Hotel in South Melbourne, my ears were somewhat offended by the Southern Australian, upper echelon, “yes darling” fist-in-arse brogue, which could be heard emitting in a constant stream from the neighbouring table. Taking matters into my own hands, I decided to put a stop to this irritant, by gently submerging my nuts in her G&T. Hey. It was a hot day.

This got me, and my fellow blogging amigo – whose anal adventures can be found here – all introspective. Which glass of alcoholic liquid would be the most appropriate in which to go the plunge?

There are many variables to take into account, and dogmatic rules to abide by. A pint glass – ideal in its capacity to hold a large volume of beer – may prove too capacious for comfortable emersion. Similarly, given that the doodle must not be present in the glass along with the testicles, one must be careful to ensure that the glass is not excessively diminutive. We chose to opt for the schooner glass, and/or the short spirit glass, available in most pubs and clubs across Australia.

Secondly, the liquid in said glass is a controversial issue. With many, many possibilities to choose from, one must select wisely. While Guinness Extra Cold may be best left to the seasoned plunger, the creamy consistency combined with a high concentration of pressure -PSI - may be quite pleasurable to some. While the same applies to other ails and English bitters, mixed drinks are likely to be a favourite, particularly those with bubbly ingredients, and ice which would bob gently around the testicles.

Personally I opt for Champaign. Sparkling wines are notably effervescent – the sensations of which would be somewhat congenial, and effective in its task to silence it’s owner in mid sentence. I must affirm that the beverage be served in a schooner glass for optimum comfort.

I throw it to you, my loyal readers. Please, only serious responses.

Incidentally, after careful consideration, my friend opted for Caffrey’s. Obviously some kind of hardcore.