The community swimming pool. A haven for harmless family fun. An often-serene locale; children paddling in the cool water, parents cajoling them from the safety of dry land, teenagers splashing each other in a ritualistic game of underwater fornication, others – like me – trying to relive the old days when they could swim 50 metres without requiring oxygen at the other end. The usual.
Not so in sunny Madrid.
While these everyday meaningless occurrences certainly do take place, enter typical Spanish absurdities.
Women.
Ladies of all shapes and sizes, spanning all 3 generations of the present day, breasts out, arses squeezed precariously into vacillating g-strings, sunning themselves under the unrelenting Madrid sol; like veritable shrimps on a Barby.
With scarcely a bra in sight, imagine my terror when an elderly woman came bounding toward me, naked watermelons-for-tits bouncing with every stride, g-banger stretched to breaking point, woman gaining momentum as she walked. Fortunately, she was only in hot pursuit of a chair which had just been made vacant next to me. Clearly its previous occupant had foreseen this catastrophe unfolding, and taken off to safer ground. Shudder!
Having lived to tell the tale, I can say with resolve that it's not all bad at my local inner-city piscina, with many a bright young thing sporting some fairly enticing racks. You gotta take the good with the bad. Reckon I’ll take long-term membership!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Typos leak classified information
One day out from Murdoch’s crushing kettle-calling-pot “fuck off old man” tirade on Johnny, Fairfax – by way of The Spencer Street Soviet – has rushed to the PM’s defense.
Evidently in support of Howard’s dominating stranglehold on the top job over his closest rival – Peter Cunting Costello – they bring you "Prime Howard". A message – all be it subliminal – that Johnny is here to stay, and that they love his children over-boarding antics, his IR atrocities, his bald noggin, the eyebrows and his mate ship. At least, they prefer him over bean-counting, Islam-bashing, budget-turning, personality-exuding PC, who reportedly considers OLD Rupert with high regard.
Similarly to the Beatles’ “acknowledgment” of Paul’s tragic death in 1963, The Age is bringing the news to the people.
While the nation temporarily turns it’s back on politics to watch television’s greatest ratings purchase straight out of Beaconsfield next week, the Liberals – at least those in the Howard camp – will be rushing the new bill through parliament.
Prime Howard. The new title to the top job. A rehashment to an old British term which reeks of monarchy. A brilliant new concept designed to celebrate a man. His sovereignty over our land. Our fearless leader. Our man at the top. Prime Howard John!
In typical Howard Government form, the bill will likely accompany a pay increase for politicians, and both will be snuck through the house of reps quicker than Todd Russell can say “struth, where the bloody hell’s my Woodstock Bourbon”.
Don’t turn your backs’ Australia, or Howard’s legacy will live on even further passed his use-by date.
Evidently in support of Howard’s dominating stranglehold on the top job over his closest rival – Peter Cunting Costello – they bring you "Prime Howard". A message – all be it subliminal – that Johnny is here to stay, and that they love his children over-boarding antics, his IR atrocities, his bald noggin, the eyebrows and his mate ship. At least, they prefer him over bean-counting, Islam-bashing, budget-turning, personality-exuding PC, who reportedly considers OLD Rupert with high regard.
Similarly to the Beatles’ “acknowledgment” of Paul’s tragic death in 1963, The Age is bringing the news to the people.
While the nation temporarily turns it’s back on politics to watch television’s greatest ratings purchase straight out of Beaconsfield next week, the Liberals – at least those in the Howard camp – will be rushing the new bill through parliament.
Prime Howard. The new title to the top job. A rehashment to an old British term which reeks of monarchy. A brilliant new concept designed to celebrate a man. His sovereignty over our land. Our fearless leader. Our man at the top. Prime Howard John!
In typical Howard Government form, the bill will likely accompany a pay increase for politicians, and both will be snuck through the house of reps quicker than Todd Russell can say “struth, where the bloody hell’s my Woodstock Bourbon”.
Don’t turn your backs’ Australia, or Howard’s legacy will live on even further passed his use-by date.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Media Circus Vs Miners
In his new role as big jefe de canal 9, Eddie Mcguire has hit the nail on the head. Having “persuaded” oustraya’s favourite cave dwellers to appear on the Footy Show – to make thank you speeches no less – he has wrapped up a simply dazzling game of simulated footy.
The Virtual festival of the boot parts 1, 2 and 3, has been played out; where the two teams went head-to-head for over two weeks. Where both sides – the Australian, nay the World Media, and the mining community of Beaconsfield have been playing a grueling grudge match – desperately jostling for the top position. A tournament unlike any other. Lives were lost; points were scored. While my present arrangement causes me to be joyfully missing the local broadcast media’s spin on the story-that-stops-a-nation, I’ll assume the role of Ray Rabsy Warren to summarise.
Anzac day, 2006. A late kick off on this - a brisk, autumn evening. Even the diggers – whats left of them – have put down their schooners to get a load of this. The mine’s collapsed; somebody will be getting a shafting at Beaconsfield gold mining HQ. The yellow canary clearly wasn’t doing its job. This reminds me of the stunning try of King Wally Louis’ in the 2nd clash of the 1987 Origin, when he wore the maroon number 9 proudly, as he darted through attempted tackles from Webber and Ballsnatcher, for a simply thrilling put down right between the posts. The blues weren’t doing their job properly, and they knew it. A great day for Australian football, a great day for the colour maroon, and most of all, a great day for the fans.
The media comes in slow and steady, dutifully passing the ball. The 11 on field miners are on the offensive, playing their opponents without too much fuss; and suddenly team manager Mighty Matthew Gill has affirmed that two of the remaining trapped players are alive.
Five days into the first half, and the media go into a scrum. Ball’s out, and the tables have turned on the miners, as the ball is passed through their defensive line. Kochi, Mel (one of our prettier athletes), passes to Naomi (Miss Universe), who dummy halfs Carl and Tracey, Richard Carlton, races passed the ABC, CNN, Noticias Cielo Bolivia and is put down 50 metres out from the Beaconsfield line.
It looks like one man is down, number 3 from the mining team, Larry Knight. He’s badly hurt, and will be stretchered off the field by the paramedics. Is a great loss for…them… The media crowds around, taking full advantage of the situation, and 20 metres out, Koch resumes play, passes it to Mel, who does her best to avoid passing onto her Channel 9 rivals, and back… Kochi, Kochi, Kochi scores a try. Brilliant footwork from Koch, absolutely astoundingly good play by the news team at 7, whose presence on the field is fast resembling a circus. Absolutely amazing!!! A miracle try to the media!!!
The miners retake control of the ball, making slow progress toward their line.
Good play from Fairfax, tackling a panic-stricken family member of one of the miners, in a desperate bid to get an extra scoop. ACA swoops on the Beaconsfield hair stylist for a new lead story, while 7’s Today Tonight tackles Jolene – a 12-year-old primary school student for her account on the commotion.
The trapped miners are doing well, making outlandish requests for fried food, ipods and beer; when in comes Richard Carlton for a head-high tackle on Gilly, a question from way out of left field, which all but flattens the poor mine manager. He’s got to be badly hurt from that, just has to be! The ref has surely got to put him on reprimand for that; it’s chequebook football, that’s what it is.
And we go to the replay; in fact Carlton is down, and it appears some of his teammates have stopped to assist the veteran player. He is being taken from the field in an ambulance. He will be sadly missed by his teammates at Channel 9, it’s a sad day for 60 minutes, I wonder how they will keep their lead position without such a great man.
Such a sad day for Australian Journalism. Just like when Wayne Bennet relinquished his post as head coach for the Australian side after suffering such a grueling defeat at the hands of the Kiwis’ in 2005. A great man lost, an embarrassing hiding – the first in 32 long years. The end of an era. The completion of what was a marriage from heaven - Wayne Bennet, and his victorious Kangaroos. The team he loved so much. A side which dominated for so long…
The miners have brought in the heavy artillery, and it looks as though the ref is giving the all clear to continue. Early morning on the 15th day and there looks to be a new face on the miner’s team, or is it two, yes, yes, the two trapped miners are out, and sprinting with the ball toward their line. A throng of media players surround the pair, but its gold, gold, gold for the miners, after 2 incredible weeks. Gold to big Gilly, who sidestepped some fierce opposition from Carlton earlier in the game, gold to the rescue team, who worked around the clock to keep the media at bay, and thanks to some forward thinking media officials, the ratings are soaring, as its gold to the two ripping blokes who deserve the match tonight - Webbo and Russel - each with television’s biggest ratings buying cheques’ folded neatly in their pockets. A brilliant game, a simply superb finish, and an absolutely scintillating outcome.
The Virtual festival of the boot parts 1, 2 and 3, has been played out; where the two teams went head-to-head for over two weeks. Where both sides – the Australian, nay the World Media, and the mining community of Beaconsfield have been playing a grueling grudge match – desperately jostling for the top position. A tournament unlike any other. Lives were lost; points were scored. While my present arrangement causes me to be joyfully missing the local broadcast media’s spin on the story-that-stops-a-nation, I’ll assume the role of Ray Rabsy Warren to summarise.
Anzac day, 2006. A late kick off on this - a brisk, autumn evening. Even the diggers – whats left of them – have put down their schooners to get a load of this. The mine’s collapsed; somebody will be getting a shafting at Beaconsfield gold mining HQ. The yellow canary clearly wasn’t doing its job. This reminds me of the stunning try of King Wally Louis’ in the 2nd clash of the 1987 Origin, when he wore the maroon number 9 proudly, as he darted through attempted tackles from Webber and Ballsnatcher, for a simply thrilling put down right between the posts. The blues weren’t doing their job properly, and they knew it. A great day for Australian football, a great day for the colour maroon, and most of all, a great day for the fans.
The media comes in slow and steady, dutifully passing the ball. The 11 on field miners are on the offensive, playing their opponents without too much fuss; and suddenly team manager Mighty Matthew Gill has affirmed that two of the remaining trapped players are alive.
Five days into the first half, and the media go into a scrum. Ball’s out, and the tables have turned on the miners, as the ball is passed through their defensive line. Kochi, Mel (one of our prettier athletes), passes to Naomi (Miss Universe), who dummy halfs Carl and Tracey, Richard Carlton, races passed the ABC, CNN, Noticias Cielo Bolivia and is put down 50 metres out from the Beaconsfield line.
It looks like one man is down, number 3 from the mining team, Larry Knight. He’s badly hurt, and will be stretchered off the field by the paramedics. Is a great loss for…them… The media crowds around, taking full advantage of the situation, and 20 metres out, Koch resumes play, passes it to Mel, who does her best to avoid passing onto her Channel 9 rivals, and back… Kochi, Kochi, Kochi scores a try. Brilliant footwork from Koch, absolutely astoundingly good play by the news team at 7, whose presence on the field is fast resembling a circus. Absolutely amazing!!! A miracle try to the media!!!
The miners retake control of the ball, making slow progress toward their line.
Good play from Fairfax, tackling a panic-stricken family member of one of the miners, in a desperate bid to get an extra scoop. ACA swoops on the Beaconsfield hair stylist for a new lead story, while 7’s Today Tonight tackles Jolene – a 12-year-old primary school student for her account on the commotion.
The trapped miners are doing well, making outlandish requests for fried food, ipods and beer; when in comes Richard Carlton for a head-high tackle on Gilly, a question from way out of left field, which all but flattens the poor mine manager. He’s got to be badly hurt from that, just has to be! The ref has surely got to put him on reprimand for that; it’s chequebook football, that’s what it is.
And we go to the replay; in fact Carlton is down, and it appears some of his teammates have stopped to assist the veteran player. He is being taken from the field in an ambulance. He will be sadly missed by his teammates at Channel 9, it’s a sad day for 60 minutes, I wonder how they will keep their lead position without such a great man.
Such a sad day for Australian Journalism. Just like when Wayne Bennet relinquished his post as head coach for the Australian side after suffering such a grueling defeat at the hands of the Kiwis’ in 2005. A great man lost, an embarrassing hiding – the first in 32 long years. The end of an era. The completion of what was a marriage from heaven - Wayne Bennet, and his victorious Kangaroos. The team he loved so much. A side which dominated for so long…
The miners have brought in the heavy artillery, and it looks as though the ref is giving the all clear to continue. Early morning on the 15th day and there looks to be a new face on the miner’s team, or is it two, yes, yes, the two trapped miners are out, and sprinting with the ball toward their line. A throng of media players surround the pair, but its gold, gold, gold for the miners, after 2 incredible weeks. Gold to big Gilly, who sidestepped some fierce opposition from Carlton earlier in the game, gold to the rescue team, who worked around the clock to keep the media at bay, and thanks to some forward thinking media officials, the ratings are soaring, as its gold to the two ripping blokes who deserve the match tonight - Webbo and Russel - each with television’s biggest ratings buying cheques’ folded neatly in their pockets. A brilliant game, a simply superb finish, and an absolutely scintillating outcome.
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