Post Cyclonic conditions

Australia's international carriers have been thrown into overdrive after it was discovered that we as a nation are in crisis.

Thanks to old Larry, who rocked northern Queensland like a V8 Commodore on high school graduation night – leaving its occupants broozed, busted open and demoralised - Australians will be flocking to the Filipines in droves not only in pursuit of mail order brides, but to wrap their respective laughing gear around the common household banana, where 12% of the world’s demand of phallic-shaped fruit is produced.

For as long as it takes to introduce a new mouth to feed at the family dinner table, Australians may be forced to go without their favourite edible symbol of sexual domination, due to bureaucracy coming out from Canberra – more specifically Federal agricultural minister Peter McGauran – who is anti the importing of bananas, because banana eaters vote liberal. Or something…

He told The Spencer Street Socialist here that those yearning for banana – including his own wife who had forebodingly left her post in the family kitchen – must learn to go without as nobody aches for it like those affected by the disaster in FNQ. "We all have to put it into that context and bear the pain for the next nine to 12 months," he said like a man who’s had to chastise his wife for such wrong doings before.

Would somebody please think of the children. For close on a year, Australian High Schools will be at a loss. When it comes to teaching pre-pubescent persons the ways of donning external contraceptive devices, gone will be the days of reaching into students’ lunchboxes, or making for the local green grocer for a bunch of ripened surrogate penises. Gone will be the nervous giggles’ of naive teenaged girls, eager to learn how best to please their loved ones’; and perhaps worst of all, a certain innocence will be lost in the demise of that simple act of rolling a condom over a ripened banana.

Pressure is mounting to open up trade barriers before our youth start taking matters into their own pants.

Meanwhile, the Banana Growers Council chief executive Tony Heidrich told The Age that bananas will become a luxury – particularly among those ladies with homosexual tendencies. But we can all breathe a sigh of relief, as our Aussie battling mates from the sticks are “…working to get bananas back as soon as possible."