Post Cyclonic conditions

Australia's international carriers have been thrown into overdrive after it was discovered that we as a nation are in crisis.

Thanks to old Larry, who rocked northern Queensland like a V8 Commodore on high school graduation night – leaving its occupants broozed, busted open and demoralised - Australians will be flocking to the Filipines in droves not only in pursuit of mail order brides, but to wrap their respective laughing gear around the common household banana, where 12% of the world’s demand of phallic-shaped fruit is produced.

For as long as it takes to introduce a new mouth to feed at the family dinner table, Australians may be forced to go without their favourite edible symbol of sexual domination, due to bureaucracy coming out from Canberra – more specifically Federal agricultural minister Peter McGauran – who is anti the importing of bananas, because banana eaters vote liberal. Or something…

He told The Spencer Street Socialist here that those yearning for banana – including his own wife who had forebodingly left her post in the family kitchen – must learn to go without as nobody aches for it like those affected by the disaster in FNQ. "We all have to put it into that context and bear the pain for the next nine to 12 months," he said like a man who’s had to chastise his wife for such wrong doings before.

Would somebody please think of the children. For close on a year, Australian High Schools will be at a loss. When it comes to teaching pre-pubescent persons the ways of donning external contraceptive devices, gone will be the days of reaching into students’ lunchboxes, or making for the local green grocer for a bunch of ripened surrogate penises. Gone will be the nervous giggles’ of naive teenaged girls, eager to learn how best to please their loved ones’; and perhaps worst of all, a certain innocence will be lost in the demise of that simple act of rolling a condom over a ripened banana.

Pressure is mounting to open up trade barriers before our youth start taking matters into their own pants.

Meanwhile, the Banana Growers Council chief executive Tony Heidrich told The Age that bananas will become a luxury – particularly among those ladies with homosexual tendencies. But we can all breathe a sigh of relief, as our Aussie battling mates from the sticks are “…working to get bananas back as soon as possible."

Shut up bitch!

While swilling overly priced pints of ekky-dry at the Limerick Hotel in South Melbourne, my ears were somewhat offended by the Southern Australian, upper echelon, “yes darling” fist-in-arse brogue, which could be heard emitting in a constant stream from the neighbouring table. Taking matters into my own hands, I decided to put a stop to this irritant, by gently submerging my nuts in her G&T. Hey. It was a hot day.

This got me, and my fellow blogging amigo – whose anal adventures can be found here – all introspective. Which glass of alcoholic liquid would be the most appropriate in which to go the plunge?

There are many variables to take into account, and dogmatic rules to abide by. A pint glass – ideal in its capacity to hold a large volume of beer – may prove too capacious for comfortable emersion. Similarly, given that the doodle must not be present in the glass along with the testicles, one must be careful to ensure that the glass is not excessively diminutive. We chose to opt for the schooner glass, and/or the short spirit glass, available in most pubs and clubs across Australia.

Secondly, the liquid in said glass is a controversial issue. With many, many possibilities to choose from, one must select wisely. While Guinness Extra Cold may be best left to the seasoned plunger, the creamy consistency combined with a high concentration of pressure -PSI - may be quite pleasurable to some. While the same applies to other ails and English bitters, mixed drinks are likely to be a favourite, particularly those with bubbly ingredients, and ice which would bob gently around the testicles.

Personally I opt for Champaign. Sparkling wines are notably effervescent – the sensations of which would be somewhat congenial, and effective in its task to silence it’s owner in mid sentence. I must affirm that the beverage be served in a schooner glass for optimum comfort.

I throw it to you, my loyal readers. Please, only serious responses.

Incidentally, after careful consideration, my friend opted for Caffrey’s. Obviously some kind of hardcore.