Batman's Legacy

As if in despair, the local Counsel has enlisted the man who brought syphilous to Melbourne to eradicate the city’s pigeon population. We have to give the man credit however, he did play a sizeable role in settling the place And trialing it’s brothels.

John Batman - an obvious choice due to his involvement in the eradication of various other populations in Tasmania – has the good fortune of having a park named after him alongside the Yarra River.

Unlike the Dutch – who I’m reliably told exterminate their pests’ by way of an instant grilling in the dead of night when nobody is looking, only to resell their carcases onto red-eyed Feebo shoppers – the Melbourne city counsel has erected a concentration camp for the faecal matter of the streets in said park, designed to keep them from destroying Melbourne’s bluestone wonders.

Bluestone – the only weapon Melbourne holds in the relentless war against Sydney – dissolves before our very eyes when shat uponst by the common pigeon, which is reason enough to drop a derisory 60k on the undertaking.

Batman will keep a sightless watchful eye over the proceedings, and is certain to offer trinkets to the new residents, and converse to them in a certain dialect with words not unlike ieday othermay uckersfay – obviously because pigs pigeons and aborigines all speak the same language.

Visitors are encouraged to give up their lunches’ at the site, and Sydney is encouraged to go fuck itself!

Be careful

Womens’ atrocities unto men have taken a step too far.

A Sydney court had to endure the tale of this Harlot, 31, of the Northern Beaches yesterday, who got up the duff without old hubby’s knowledge, hid her already cellulite ridden body throughout her mysterious pregnancy with a wardrobe stocked from the racks of Millers, popped the kid out in their bathroom, then stuffed it in a beer carton presumably for safe keeping. The least she could have done was to put it on ice.

My thoughts are with poor old mate throughout all of this. The unsuspecting father – the victim - comes home from a hard days surfing, reaches into the box to withdraw a 6-pack of Tooheys New – dinner – to shelve in the fridge, only to discover a hefty lawyers bill and a body to dispose of.

Shoulda stuck to Ekkie Dry. Smaller Cartons.

Hiatusism

A hiatus is inevitable when you're as busy as me!